You give me warmth,

you give me hope.

Running to you,

Cause it feels like home.

I love you and,

I love us.

Sending you butterfly kisses,

Up till my last.

                                                                        - Liyana June 4, 2014

I may seem free,

I may seem strong.

But deep down,

I know I am not that strong.

You don't have to wear my shoes to see my view,

Walk with me and we'll make it through.

I've got my highs,

I've got my lows.

Cause I am only human,

Just so you know.

Deluded in a bubble of happiness,

About 3891 km away from home

I sat alone in my room

Missing every bit of what's there in Singapore

At the same time looking forward to my days in Perth

I prepared myself mentally for what's in store

What I've got to write today pains me

Nothing of the sort that comes from this trip

It was more of what I came across from being too kepo

It sucks to come across things of the past

The more you know, the more you want to find out

The more you read, the more it hurts

It may have zero significance now but why do I have to feel this way

I choose to make myself feel this way

I choose to make myself feel broken

Somedays, I just need self mental reasurance

The closer it gets,

every second here and every second with you feels so precious.

Take me to a place where nothing else matters

Take me to a place where nothing else matters

Take me to a place where nothing else matters

Take me to a place where nothing else matters

Take me to a place where nothing else matters

Fell asleep.

And woke up from a bad dream.

It was so surreal.

It was as though i was talking to you in my dream.

It was as though I came late for work.

Thank god it was replaced by a function.

A function that prolly killed my life.

I know stopping was never easy.

When it comes to Wednesday nights and all the other nights,

whenever I felt the difference,

whenever you try to hide,

I guess I could feel it.

I would rather curl up as a ball and pretend to sleep.

Trying to trick my brain into thinking I am perfectly fine.

Waking up with a pillow soaking wet.

I guess its normal to sleep with a crying heart.

Those nights hurts so bad.

Makes me wish it was just another bad dream.

Makes me wish the sun never rises.

Makes me wish that I could pretend it was all normal.

I guess it was never easy.

118 days

You know that feeling. That feeling when you love someone. That feeling when you trust someone. That feeling when you wish they are completely honest with you.

Sometimes I wonder why must it hurt so bad.

Ya Allah, guide me through.

I secretly wish that I pickup your phonecall this morninggg... 

Ya Allah.

If I am to fall in love,

let me touch the heart of someone,

whose heart is attached to you. 

PRAY

For the love of Allah

LIVE

Like heaven is on earth

LOVE

Like you have never been hurt

LAUGH

Like no one is listening

SING

As if no one can hear

DANCE

As if no one is watching

DREAM

Like there are no impossibilities

PLAY

Like there are no winners

GIVE

Like you have plenty

SMILE

Till your face hurts

CHERISH

Your family and friends everyday

For I live my life without expectations to avoid disappointments. :)

Something changes the moment you decide you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to.

Something stands out and makes the moment unique.

A profound multidimensional clarity resembling a piece of carefully gathered stardust;

As if you are whispering "Finally" and your eyes fill with light and spontaneity.

As if you do not care whether your heart will melt or crumble in the process because your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief.

You live for these moments;

For you are, maybe for one second or more, sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy.

A moment of psychological reward smashing all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror.

This is all you need.

  ~Anais Nin

Because I still ponder.

~Pierre Schaeffer

As I sit in the cafe alone listening to the choir from the stereo above, I wondered what life has in store for me, whats happening around.

I felt like as though I am skating on thin ice.

September has been overwhelming. I could hardly breathe.

September fifth was well spent at Harry's Exhibition.

Like a little girl in a candy store, I explored...

Joined the Yellow Ribbon run yesterday and it managed to make an impact on me. I was washed with a wave of emotions the minute i entered the prison gate. There's so many things going through my mind. Why, what ifs, how... Definitely harder when one is over the other side of the prison wall.

No doubt, the run was good.

For now, I shall channel my energy towards F1, debate, licence, classes and soul searching.

Itching to get a gift for myself... For all the hardwork and sacrifices. :)

The next time you see me, remind me to breathe.

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.

- Morrie

screw PMS.

Everyone has their fair share of problems, be it big or small. It is up to the individual facing it to decide whether its something worth worrying for. It all boils down to the character and coping mechanism of the individual. Its funny when one gets so worked up over something so trivial. And its fugly when it all happens in public!! 

I am tired of such angst behaviour of those around me. Its definitely not easy to share cause I personally prefer to hide those emotions. But its totally unfair to be someone's punching bag. No one deserves to be treated like that. Oh well, lets all blame PMS.

When you are angry, all you need is time to think. BREATHE.

all in the name of tired.

Kuih raya is still in the flour state. Baju raya totally no idea where to get from. I still need to clean up the junk in my room anddd today marks the 19th day we are fasting. I don't feel the excitement like i use to when i was young. We will be busy making kuihs, arranging lampu kelap-kelip (decorative lights) and spring cleaning while blasting raya songs from 94.2 FM. It is just not the same when everybody is all grown up. Work has always been in the way. It is so hard to iftar as a family, all because of nursing. Ouh wait, i think this sounds better - all because of shift work. :):) haha.

Yesterday, i've got the urge to listen to 94.2 FM just to get the feel of raya. haha. The deejay posted a question regarding the length of the circulatory system and since i am online, i googled it. And since i've got the answer, i just tried my luck in calling. I have noooo clue what the whole thing was, what will i get if i got it right and all. It was just some random shit when i decided to listen. The best part is, i got through and the answer was RIGHT!! haha. i think i sounded wierd speaking malay and suddenly english on a malay stream. wth. A song dedicaton was what i got for getting it right and i initially said any song will do. But the deejay insisted, so i said raya song. He played some Fauziah Latiff raya song that didn't even boost the raya feel.

I am going on night again. So this 2 days of rest day must be well utilised. I really need someone to tell me that its 10 more days of fast till raya!!! Iftar sessions with friends non stop. Upcoming is with the 2B-ians. Syaz, terawih at Alkaff again, soon. I think i prefer the other Alkaff.

And bazaar geylang is dead except the short stretch at haig road.

jumpa besok.

i will be away for a day.
im a party planner now.
location: nearby island. hah.

Insyaallah, you'll make it through.

My heart breaks to see you like that.
Even so, its fate. Like i've said before,
death is just another chapter of us.

My prayers goes to you my friend.
Insyaallah, you'll make it through.

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak.

I had a second fall. This time, it is at Starbucks but i still find it ok to fall in public. All i did was to stay calm. Thank You dear Miss Caucasian for your concern. :):)

Tomorrow will be the first day of Ramadhan. I really hope that i can embrace it much more than the previous years. I love Ramadhan so much more than raya. The satisfaction and solace is what i enjoy. The inner peace has always been there. If only i can take Annual Leave for the whole month.

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. Have a bless one everyone. :)
The least you can do is respect.
And remember it is better to give than receive.

insomnia.

AL was nice. Too nice.

I love the feeling of being at home.

I love the feeling of being able to bum, temporarily.

Just one mistake, I will always sleep late.

and now, my brain refuses to sleep.

slap me cause i need to realise AL is long gone.

sedap sehingga menjilat jari.

A sumptous LJS breakfast was what I needed for a random Friday morning. :) the bestest fast food breakfast ever!!! Headed down to Bedok's LJS and was on time enough to catch the breakfast for Syaz and myself though Syaz will be coming slightly later. LJS was seriously infested with red shirt secondary school students post National Day Celebration. just great...

It felt like ages for Syaz to come though its only close to 40 mins of waiting. They kept stealing glances cause I had 2 meals on the table for 30 mins. These growing human beings portray as hungry lions whenever they look over. They were ever ready to pounce.

And Naza came down too. Much of a surprise. After the hawaiian theme shopping, Naza headed home while Syaz and I stayed at Bedok Library for a bit.

and Naza, its great to have met you today. ^__^

Went over to My nenek's place in the evening. She was making herself busy just to make sure we eat. She felt bad that there's only sotong gravy thus she whipped up a simple Sambal Sardine and omelette for us. damn sweet of her. :):) all the uncles and the aunts inherit the habit of serving gooooooood food.

I have never liked canned sardines. Most to most, I will only munch on their bones and this dates back to 1990s. haha. And today, My nenek changed my entire perception on canned sardines cause its weallly weallly goooooooood. Sedap sehingga menjilat jari ok. NO joke. Actually, all her food tastes damn shiok so it does not make any difference. LOL.

of the lompat tak jadi.

I guess the issue about me and my phone is nothing new. For those who happen to read this and have no idea what i am talking about, text me and try your luck. But wait, if you want to save your message then don't.

I am blessed to have friends who simply hate me for doing so but they still can accept the fact that i am just like that. I will reply though it'll take eons. :):)

Had a blasting fun time with Mira, Nisa and Fyza. Thank you guys for being just like that. It does not matter if you guys are already 21. Anyway, you guys are still as cock as ever. I seriously cannot make it when it comes to pool. and Fyza suck at taking jumpshot pictures. in the end, kesian ankle, sakit again. ily ankle. i need you for all the climbs and runs.

Oh yes, i actually sprained my ankle probably 3 weeks back from a failed attempt at lead climbing the roof at NYP. which is 5 panels=5metres=2 storey high. alhamdulillah its only a sprain and thank god Naz managed to pull in the rope cause theres tooooo much slack. thats what i call experiece. the ankle is still slightly swollen and i think the ligament is haywired.

p.s. my frequency is still good ok and i am fine thank you. hahaha.

lesson learnt.

Today started off well with me not being late though the ankle still bugs me. Nowadays i enjoy work so much more because of the sufficient staffing. But the more hands there is, the more shit there is to clear. Everybody loves to assume that the work is done.

Besides the point, i experienced THE 1st active resusitation today. It was not a good one cause it was messy. ok, all resus are messy but oh heck. It always depends on who you are with during the resus. It definitely does not help if everyone is trying to speak at the same time and people asking nonsensical stuff when clearly everyone is busy except oneself. Nobody thinks right.

And like i said earlier on - The more hands there is, the more shit there is to clear.

remember, you guys are not alone. :):):)

on a lighter note,
HAPPY NURSES DAY TO ALL.

silly mistake.

i came to work in the morning yesterday when i am supposed to be working in the afternoon. was close to taking cab when i realise i am still early. gosh... yes, i am early. if only the hospital has rooms for nurses. it'll be great cause i don't have to make my way all the way home just to continue my sleep.

anyhoos, i met Naz at the NEL link. it slipped my mind that its her birthday. thank god i hugged her. maybe i was made to come to work just to wish her. go the extra mile. hahaha.

pfttt. should have stayed a while longer at the birthday place.

the verdict.

i dread going to work just now. but running away is not an option. being already sick, my as well get it over an done with. besides, most prolly i will not be able to concentrate if they decide to nag at me. 95% sick + 4% lost + 1% self.

it seems that my case has already faded with time. that is what i choose to believe for now. i suppose i am forgiven but not forgotten. maybe it will surface tomorrow. maybe....

i did not even get to see how he is doing after the ORIF as he was transferred. hopefully everything goes fine for him.

alhamdulillah...